An open letter to Sky Sports: Please send Andy Gray on holiday

Mar 26 2008

This article first appeared in the Liverpool Echo, and is written by columnist Paddy Shennan

Dear Vic Wakeling, MD, Sky Sports

FIRST, on behalf of all us mug punters with idiot boxes and armchairs, let me congratulate you on inventing football – and a new day of the week: Grand Slam Sunday.

We are not worthy. Who would be?

You are all-knowing and all-powerful and this brings me to my main reason for writing. I realise the football season is coming to an end, but don’t you think it would be for the best if you sent your leading motormouth, Andy “I’ll tell yer what!” Gray (pictured) on an extended holiday?

Speaking as someone who has just enjoyed a break (I don’t want to sound like one of those sad, cliche-ridden lifestyle columnists in the weekend supplements but pottering about at home really is the new going away), I think it’s what he needs.

It may be what millions need.

In his autobiography, Shades Of Gray, Andy, talking about the times he was sent off during his playing career, confesses: “Usually, it’s my mouth which has landed me in trouble. I know I talk too much but that’s part of my make-up and the mate who reckons they designed the instamatic camera in order to get a picture of me with my mouth shut wasn’t far wrong.”

That book was first published in 1986. Some people never seem to change, do they?

As you are well aware, Vic, football has been in a pretty bad way for some time now, but we can’t blame Tim Lovejoy, Alan Green and Garth Crooks for all its ills.

As Aretha Franklin said, it’s all about respect, and we’ve got enough disrespectful players and managers setting a bad example to the young without pundits joining in – even if they just fancy getting a bit of attention by playing devil’s advocate.

As we all know, Andy – possibly because he got the Grand Slam Sunday/Easter Sunday messages mixed up and thought he was the resurrection – lost the plot almost as badly and madly as Javier Mascherano at the weekend.

The anger, aggression and blinkered bluster he displayed while irresponsibly putting forward the case for a dissenters’ charter was a bit scary, but I suppose it did prove that Andrew Mullen Gray is some sort of miracle worker – his ranting and raving actually made Jamie Redknapp and Richard Keys sound half sensible!

Come on, though. It’s depressing enough that we have managers who defend the indefensible. We don’t now need equally-cynical, so-called expert analysts adding to the game’s woes by joining them on the moral low ground.

We know he’s not all bad – he’s an Everton legend and ex-ECHO columnist for pity’s sake – so we’re assuming the stress associated with stating (or, rather, shouting) the bleedin’ obvious (when, that is, he’s not coming out with a load of dangerous nonsense) is taking its toll.

A long, relaxing holiday until, perhaps, the twelfth of never, could be just the ticket. Just put a microphone in his hand (don’t tell him it’s not connected to anything!), guide him into a darkened room and lock the door behind you. Job done!

Thanks for listening – and let us know if you’re thinking of inventing anything else.

Kind regards Paddy Shennan