Hillsborough: A survivor's story

Apr 15 2008 By Damian Kavanagh, Liverpool supporter

I took counselling partly for the sake of it but in hindsight I definitely did the right thing. I was really struggling to cope. Going to the Hillsborough Centre that had been set up in Anfield Road for all those who had been affected at least made me realise that my trauma was understandable (or to be expected) and was not a sign of weakness. Linda who worked there formed a great relationship with me, coming to see me at home too - it was my fault when we lost touch.

After the lies in the media I decided like many others to make a legal complaint against the police. Money had nothing to do with it. I wasn't going to let them get away with a whitewash. I knew the truth and wanted to make sure it came out - nothing had more importance. I've never wanted anybody in jail for all this; it wouldn't bring anybody back. I just want the world to know what happened, why it did and the blame officially placed squarely where it should be... and I don't think anybody should have been allowed to retire to avoid facing the consequences of what they have been responsible for. I also want those who lied to be shown up for what they are. I don't think I'll ever have the strength to forgive them.

Like John Aldridge I didn't want us to play on but we were outvoted and got on with it. I went to the remaining home league matches but stood away from my usual spec where it would be less congested, the Goodison derby close to my favourite spec there in the middle of Gwladys Street, and the replayed Semi and the Final. I cried at the replayed Semi when we sang "We're on the march with Kenny's army". In the first match back at Anfield (against Forest of all teams) I left when we were awarded a late penalty - I couldn't cheer with everybody else. A woman outside the ground comforted me as I cried walking to Kirkdale station and I heard the crowd roar from the obvious late winner we'd got.

I went the following season for a few matches on autopilot but cried at "You'll Never Walk Alone" and quit. I sold a three quarters season ticket for buttons to a lad in work - £20 I think. I never thought I'd go back. It was overwhelming to support the Reds by now. It was too intense. I know exactly why Kenny Dalglish quit; probably our greatest ever player and a very successful manager. That would be enough reason for the esteem in which he's held but it is the way he led us after the disaster that I love him. He's the only player I'd go across the street for to shake hands with.

Old Bob from by ours had a boss spec as a shareholder in the row behind the directors' box where you could even rest your arms. He was a true gentleman and gave me tickets for two of the last matches of the 1989/90 season as the tickets were spare and that got me back into it. I wonder if they were really spare or if he had spoken to my mum and dad in the Tawd Vale about helping me around? Thanks Bob RIP. I renewed my season ticket for 1990/1 after my dad had spoken to somebody at the ticket office and I was back. I'm a fanatic again although it could never be the same.

For the enquiry I made a statement to West Midlands police who were investigating. They got back to me, naming the policeman who had been abusive to me as Sgt Swift and asked did I want to make a formal complaint against him. I declined. I only talked about him coz they had asked me to tell them everything. They brought videos in and met me in work. This policeman hadn't turned up that day to deliberately hurt me or anybody else. He was wrong but had been presented with a terrible situation and a lot of horror himself. WM police told me they'd had stories of him from fans commending him for saving their lives (obviously after me then) and so credit must be placed with him where it is due.

In 1991 I went to RAF Wroughton, Swindon to meet Sqd Ldr Dr Gordon Turnbull, a nice man who assessed me psychologically. He spoke to many survivors and said that we'd all sounded similar to the Gulf War veterans he'd debriefed; when he first interviewed me in Liverpool in 1990 he had diagnosed me as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to a moderately severe extent.