A holiday to really float your boat

Aug 1 2007 by Haydon Wood, Liverpool Daily Post

Haydon Wood scrapes by on a canal trip through southern France

IT WAS embarrassment of theatrical proportions. Now I know how a circus clown feels encircled by a jeering mob determined to heap as much humiliation as possible on an unfortunate victim.

The locks on the Canal du Midi, built by the French in the 17th century as a short-cut between the Atlantic and Mediterranean, have a slightly curved design, but generally allow the inexperienced boatman to scrape in, go with the flow then bump his way out the other end.

But the lock at Agde is different – a perfect circle with three exits linking the canal to the River Herault. It reminded me of the Atoll set that Kevin Costner had to escape from in the movie, Waterworld.

Steering our 48ft luxury cruiser in was straightforward enough but the trap was set. The lock was a magnet for visiting tourists hoping to watch examples of maritime incompetenceŠ– and I didn’t disappoint.

After getting stuck against the wall and then bumping the lock gates from all directions in a desperate attempt to line up with the right exit, the crowds surrounding me became more and more restless.

An elderly German tourist, possibly a veteran of Deutsche Marine, jumped up and down with excitement after I proved incapable of responding to his instructions on how to steer.

Word got around that an Englishman was making a complete fool of himself and the crowd had their cameras ready.

It would be nice to report that my crew of family and friends gave calm support and encouragement during this ordeal. But my daughter, determined to distance herself from the fiasco, was making gestures to the ever-expanding mob which I interpreted as signalling: "Yes, we know he’s useless."

An ironic cheer – the crowd plus the crew ­– greeted my eventual exit and speedy escape east.

The problem was we had to return the same way in a few days – but more of that later.

The Agde lock was perhaps the low point of a week’s trip through southern France from Homps to Etang de Thau and back, but there were plenty of highlights to make the holiday cruise memorable. The Canal du Midi is Eur- ope’s oldest waterway and passes through stunning vineyards and pretty waterside villages where you can sample the local cuisine – seafood heaven with oysters, mussels and crabs in good supply.

After arriving at Carcassone airport, we picked up our boat at Homps and were joined by a member of the Connoisseur staff for a short voyage to show how everything worked. Then we were on our own.

The Magnifique is the company’s top-of-the-range cruiser sleeping eight adults in four double rooms with extra space for a couple of children. Canals in France are wider than in England, so the boats bear more of a resemblance to the luxury yachts tied up next to the racetrack at Monte Carlo than the traditional narrow boats you can use on the Shropshire Union.

Our boat had three toilets, three showers, two fridges, oven, microwave, heating and air conditioning. It could be steered from inside the cabin or the top deck and behaved impeccably throughout the trip.

Connoisseur has fleets of boats all over Europe with the French canal system its biggest cruising ground and the Canal du Midi a popular choice.

The boat is big but fairly easy to control, providing there are a few willing hands on board to help negotiate the locks. The trick is to take everything slowly.

I had had to find a crew, of course. But how to pressgang my son and daughter, who had gratefully given up holidaying with their parents long ago?

A luxury boat, a lazy holiday in the sun and glorious scenery should have been enough, but the deal was done only when I mentioned that the canal wound its way through some of the finest wine-producing areas in France with plenty of opportunity to taste regional specialities such as Costieres de Nimes, Muscat de Frontignan and Picpoul de Pinet.

From Homps, the guidebook suggests three cruises, each lasting a week.

You can travel west towards Toul- ouse, passing through the medieval walled city of Carcassone or head east and then join the Canal de la Robine which takes you down to the Mediterr-anean resort of Port la Nouvelle.

We decided to cruise east but stay on the Canal du Midi all the way to the large saltwater lake, Etang de Thau, offering the extra adventure of being at sea in the protected water of an inland lake. You can stop almost anywhere along the canal or moor in one of the waterside towns and villages, some with a marina and the opportunity to fill up with fresh water and hook up to mains electricity.

Leaving Homps, we passed through four locks in a few kilometres, which gave the crew plenty of confidence in handling the boat and then cruised for nearly 50km with no more locks.

We passed through the first ever-canal tunnel at Malpas and spent the night in a large marina at Colombiers with a wine cellar conveniently alongside.

We headed for Beziers the next morning, where the canal crosses the River Orb by aqueduct, with the adventure of the Fonserannes staircase of seven locks to encounter.

A stop for lunch at Villeneuve les Beziers and then a night near Agde set us up for a long stop at Marseillan on the Etang de Thau. On the return journey, we stopped at different towns including Vias where a Mediterranean beach is only a short walk away.

The cruise was thoroughly enjoyable providing a variety of experiences, scenery and cuisine – relaxation and adventure – a holiday with a difference.

Oh, and the return through the circular lock at Agde? I thought I would leave it to my daughter and friends – to teach them a lesson.

But they worked out a strategy of mooring as far away from the exit as possible and decided to give someone the job of handling the ropes from the high walls. I was sent ashore and they got through without even caressing the edges of the lock. I was only allowed to steer on the easy bits after that.

* CONNOISSEUR provides river and canal holidays on board luxury self-drive cruisers with a range of boats suitable for parties of between two and 12 people.

* Destinations include England, Scotland, Ireland, France, Holland, Belgium, Italy and Germany.Š

* Boat hire prices for a Magnifique, sleeping up to 10 people, start from £1,395 per week which equates to £140 per person for a one-week cruise.ŠThe week we travelled, in mid May, the boat hire price would be £1,900.

* Boat hire prices for a Caprice, which sleeps up to six people start from £970 per week – for mid-May to mid-June £1,470 per week.

* For more information, call Connoisseur on 0870 160 5641 or visit www.connoisseurboating.co.uk