A satirical look at Liverpool’s 900th birthday

Aug 20 2007 by Brian Reade, Liverpool Daily Post

A FORMER Daily Post writer has gazed into his crystal ball for a not altogether serious look at how Liverpool might be celebrating its 900th birthday in a century’s time.

Brian Reade, who now writes a column for the Daily Mirror, uses many of the city’s well-known characters and recent news stories for his humorous feature.

Among them are the new cruise liner terminal, the collapse of direct air flights to London, the refusal by the Government to provide any more cash towards the Capital of Culture celebrations, the new football stadia, and the Edge Lane redevelopment scheme.

Mr Reade worked at both the Daily Post and the Echo in the late 1980s and early 1990s, and lives in Aigburth.

He said: “The article is affectionate and meant in the spirit of good humour.

“It uses all the recent news stories that have happened in Liverpool and puts a comic slant on them.”

The article is reprinted from this month’s edition of City magazine.

Things are looking good in Lennonpool of 2107

DATELINE: August 1, 2107: A letter from the Mayor of Lennonpool Sir Warren Clein- Storey VIII

MUCH has changed since the 800th birthday, not least our name to Lennonpool, after tourist chiefs chased a 1,000% rise in Americans alighting from the new cruise liner terminal inside the Beatles Museum.

Indeed, our links with the rest of the universe continue to blossom. We now have direct flights from Lennonpool John Lennon Airport to the Moon, Jupiter and Mars.

We may even get the London link restored if we can find an airline that’s interested.

Virgin West Coast are contemplating giving us one of their once-a-minute Manchester- London trains, meaning we could soon see twice-hourly departures from Lennonpool Pete Wylie Rail Station.

Obviously we are proud to have won the 2112 Olympic Games, and can assure council tax payers that we’re doing our best to win some government funding.

Although we have been told there’s nothing left in the pot after the £900bn given to London to cover their 2110 World Girl Guide Games. Football-wise, things are going well.

The Lennonpool Dolphins Gilletbowl is set to expand its capacity to 150,000, while The Tesco Blues believe they may finally have enough support to move to Kirkby.

It was also refreshing to see the Dolphins’ captain saying if the club make him feel wanted by matching the £35m-a-week he’s been offered by London Ruskies, he’ll be happy to stay in Lennonpool. That’s the spirit!

The city has never looked better. Our Stop The Rot campaign has managed to force Grosvenor Estates to demolish the dilapidated eyesore Liverpool One.

The Cricket Quarter has seen the refurbishment of statues to early 21st-century fashion icons Coleen McLoughlin and Alex Curran, as has the bust in the Hope Quarter to the world’s first lady Pope, Dame Cherie Blair. Some things never change, though.

The Magical Mystery Tour bus is now 140 years old, and breaks down outside the same old houses it used to, as do plans to widen Edge Lane which have now seen 4,322 appeals won by the resident in the one remaining property that hasn’t been demolished.

No one alive at the time will forget the Great Flood of 2031. The city thought it was doing its bit for global warming by organising a Live Scouse concert at the Echo Arena, which saw local legends like Our Kid, Jemini and Sonia come out of retirement.

But the line-up clearly hastened God’s anger as we witnessed the immediate flooding of Liverpool Bay.

It wasn’t all bad news, though, as the Wirral and Southport were wiped off the map, meaning we no longer hear people from Heswall moaning about tunnel tolls and Southport has finally realised its dream of getting out of Merseyside.

And so to celebrate our 900th anniversary we invite you all to a live concert at the Pier Hooton Head with our 78-year-old comic legend (that’s what he says anyway) Ken Dodd. Here’s to the next hundred.