Anxiety

Whoops! Every day is getting harder now. For those of you wondering why there was a photo with no words for about four hours it's because I started writing and nodded off!
I suppose that is an accurate reflection of what life is like for me right now.

This is a strange and difficult time for me. I have always worried about silly things and of course so much about those I care for.

With the news that it really is a case of a matter of weeks (I'm still not confident about these doctors' predictions) I was crippled with the anxiety about how I am going to see all my family and friends for a good length of time, and make it so they felt like they had every opportunity to say to me precisely what they wanted.

On Saturday morning, at around 3am, I sat up bolt right. There was no reason other than I could not get the Queen (Elizabeth II) out of my head. I had this overwhelming sense of panic and deep breathing. It was so strange.

She wasn't doing anything, threatening me with a wedgie or a Chinese burn, I just couldn't shake off the panic.

I went into see my parents and explained how I was feeling - left out the Queen bit initially.

My dad called the district nurses out and they injected me with a strong sedative which got me back to sleep within about ten minutes.

This picture above is of us all enjoying a cracking cup of tea or ice cold cordial.

At that stage I decided the source of the anxiety was a number of factors. Of course the obvious one about a drawn-out death still worries the hell out of me.

I explained in the previous post how my friends stepped in. It doesn't sound very cool to have a timetable but we did and it worked really well.

Over three days I saw around 32 people.

I still wake up at exactly 2am or between 3am and 4am. The nurses always come out and my family, as ever, try and make the most of it.

I was so proud of myself because now everyone has had the opportunity to say goodbye properly. I feel like I have said everything too and if I died tomorrow, it would be sad, but there would be no regrets.

On the last couple of slots on Thursday afternoon I had to keep pacing up and down the room to stop myself from falling asleep.

I was also given an anti-sickness jab while chatting to Nel Bilton. Poor girl, she is the one who saw blood gushing from my shin after I had fallen in the pond wearing a hideous pair of bright blue boxer shorts.

Now things have switched round and I going to put myself and my family at the centre of all this.

I am sleeping for hours on end and at unpredictable times- hence the little goof with the picture which was published that bit earlier.

The blog is getting harder to write and my focus is waning but it will keep going as best I can. I think my mum and Liam will be able to keep things moving on when necessary.

HOW DO WE ALL KEEP IN TOUCH?

Thanks for all the interesting feedback about how you can keep in touch after I shuffle off.

We are going to complete our mission!

There seems to be a lot of love for one massive Face Book group, which could be linked to all the smaller.
sites.

A lot of love is also being shown for a mailing list.

Would people generally go along with this?

I think any more than two, or possibly three, would be duplicating matters.

I must admit I don't know enough about all this and would like lead the project, but I won't be able to do it.

I think in this post, make it the last chance to express your views. We need something simple anyone can use.

Anyone know of some very simple generic mailing lists websites we we could help ourselves?

When all the quotes stop coming in the geniuses in Liverpool Liam and Steve Harrison can look at making this a reality.

Thanks again everyone.

Facebook army and a few more challenges

These last weeks, or however many seem to keep unfurling ahead of me, are dotted with incidents of dropping off to sleep, random drowsiness, disorientation and distraction.

Writing this blog is something I still love but it is becoming increasingly challenging to construct.

The latest update is I've been given a syringe driver. This means drugs are constantly put into my body throughout the day. This is why I'm so drowsy and when talking to people, it makes it really difficult to concentrate on what some people are saying.

I appreciate this is something which we have all experienced plenty of at some time in our lives.

I'm on a mixture of painkillers, anti-anxiety and anti-sickness drugs.

It's important that much of my time now is spent with myself and my family rooted at the centre.

My friends all appreciate that but still want to see me none the less and when that can be arranged I will make every effort to mkae that possible.

In the night, I have a full time nurse from 10pm through to 7am. Should I start to feel to feel sick or unable to fall asleep due to anxiety, they are there to immediately administer an injection.

But over all, quality of life continues to deteriorate. Walking up the stairs is difficult as is picking things up with my right hand.

Again, my parents have been excellent throughout.....constant love and an iced drink, day or night.

FACEBOOK

Thank you so much for joining Facebook and keeping in touch with the campaign. I believe that this is going to be a really effective way of you all keeping in touch.

This is going to be a long term project. I'm not a Facebook member, but I understand my international friends can sign up to this one.

* Read more about Adrian at http://baldyblog.freshblogs.co.uk/