We’ve had some problems with the Lucas, following some logistical difficulties which found him in Beijing when he should have been at Anfield, but the true value of this item has been on show in recent weeks and the optimism shown by the management may well be repaid.

The value of the Benayoun varies, but is surely worth keeping in stock for special occasions; but the true bargain item in this category is the Alonso.

A top-class asset, curiously deemed suitable for sale mid-year but whose worth has since rocketed. They don’t make them like this any more.

Redundant stock: Bring the skip round, we need to make some room. We’ve received a very generous offer from Real Madrid for Jermaine Pennant, which I recommend we accept.

After all we owe them one for Antonio Nunez.

And how did all these full-backs get in here? Need more quality, less quantity I think.

The snake-oil salesman who flogged us Dossena and Degen needs locking up.

Might get a few bob for the former; stick him on e-bay. I think we can take Voronin off the roster now too; doesn’t look like he’s coming back.

Got him for nothing but proved over-priced. Arbeloa, Aurelio?

Former might need to be replaced, latter may be damaged goods. Keep under review.

Work-in-progress: Quite a few lines in here; might have to clear some out soon. Little doubt that Agger and Skrtel will become solid performers, and Insua may prove a valuable addition to our Argentinian catalogue.

Plessis, El Zhar and Ngog will be closely monitored, while Darby, Spearing and Nemeth are low in stock at present but could grow significantly given the right promotion.

Finished goods: The cash-cows. Reina, Gerrard, Mascherano, Carragher and 2008’s top performer, Fernando Torres. Must be kept in top working order to maximise our bottom-line: the 2009 Premier League Title.

Wrap in cotton-wool, bubble-wrap and inflatable cushions between matches.

Right, job done lads, have a good New Year.