FOLLOWING last year’s Pub Column awards, Yours Truly announces his Top Ten Grumpy Old Git Wish List for 2009.
1. Vetting system for Two Pint Charlies: Naturally quiet for most of the year, their big stage is the last working Friday before Christmas or New Year’s Eve when they clog the bars with an unnatural shrieking and squawking bonhomie brought on by the mere whiff of a barmaid’s apron.
More pertinently it prevents regulars from quaffing comfortably and having to play sardines crushed between dementoids who can’t hold their ale.
Cold showers ought to be installed in the latrines and anyone who breaks into a chorus of Auld Lang Syne after their specified two pints, should be doused sober and thrown on the streets to confess their sins. Firm but fair.
2. The Smoking Rovers’ Return: The Pub Column gave up smoking some time ago and considers it one of the best things he ever did. But after viewing purchases of the comedy Early Doors, set in the pre-ban era, a great wave of nostalgia swept over him for the days of crumpled-up old giffers nursing their sip-an-hour half pints of mild while smoking enough Bensons to give a lab Beagle laryngitis.
Surely space can be found to bring them in from the cold. Go on Gordon Brown, save a Puffing Billy from hypothermia this Winter.
3. Short Shrift for Tips Abusers and Chancers: Any bar steward who takes more than 50p, or worse, smiles a “much obliged” before pouring a lengthily matured Glenfiddich from the optics bar should be turned upside down and their pockets emptied. Offending barmaids should have their handbags snatched.
4. End Astronomical Soft Drinks Bar Prices: Why be puzzled at the amount of alcoholics and binge drinkers when it’s cheaper in most places to buy a pint of lager than a small glass of mineral water.
5. Bring Back Pub Joannas: Roll out the barrel and bring back the pub sing-along – a great alternative to Saturday night with Simon Cowell and his gang of wailers. A piano driven rendition of You Shook Me All Night Long, anyone?
6. Bring Back Mixer Drinks: Not G&Ts, but Brown Mixed, Black and Tan, Rum and Black, all the concoctions that made Britain Great and put hairs on your chest, including you missus.
