THE most alluring women in history have paid as much attention to cultivating an image of mystery as they have to perfect eyeliner and bouncy hair.
If Antony had ever caught Cleopatra mid-leg shave, he would surely have been a lot less keen to throw himself on his own sword.
And you can bet Romeo would have thought twice about giving up his inheritance for Juliet if she’d ever sent him to the supermarket to buy tampons.
The Mona Lisa never shared details of her acne problems or upper lip waxing on Facebook, so it seems a shame to pull back her veil of mystery, more than 500 years after her death.
But there’s an Italian academic who disagrees. Dr Vito Franco has scrutinised Da Vinci’s masterpiece for symptoms of medical conditions and found signs of worryingly high cholesterol.
He spotted a build-up of fatty acids under her skin – a benign fatty tissue tumour in her right eye and another on one hand.
No more the mysterious beauty whose smile hid a secret, now she’s reduced to a peasant woman seriously in need of a detox.
Dr Franco studied many well-known works of art, and found hints of other medical conditions depicted within the oil paint.
Parmigianino’s Madonna with Long Neck he diagnosed with Marfan syndrome, a genetic disorder that can lead to early osteoarthritis, glaucoma and collapsed lungs.
Botticelli’s Portrait of a Youth may also have suffered from the same disorder. Meanwhile, Michelangelo, shown with swollen knees in Raphael’s The School of Athens, was likely to suffer from renal calculosis caused by all the bread and wine he consumed while painting the Sistine Chapel.
Interesting, yes. But Dr Franco’s diagnoses in no way take into consideration the input of the artists, who were not portraying an exact replica of the scene they saw before them, but a version of it. The Mona Lisa’s poor skin may have been due to Da Vinci’s interpretation of her appearance.
What if the Italian medic were to put his diagnostic skills to Picasso’s Les Demoiselles d’Avignon? What genetic disorders and dietary-induced problems would he detect in their angular bodies and lopsided facial features?
While Dr Franco’s discoveries are intriguing, they do nothing for art appreciation.
Millions of visitors to The Louvre have been transfixed by the Mona Lisa’s haughty gaze – knowing that she had a soft spot for deep-fried Mars Bars rather breaks the spell.
We may as well put our most famous paintings on Celebrity Big Brother. Well, at least we’d have heard of them all, and they’ve had hundreds of years of public attention so they’re well accustomed to the whole trappings of fame thing.
Waterhouse’s Echo and Narcissus, that hangs in the Walker, would make good contestants.
She’d never stop chatting, while he’d hog the bathroom mirror, causing plenty of friction for viewers to ogle.
Instead of chickens in the Big Brother house’s back garden, they could keep Holman Hunt’s Scapegoat.
The merrymakers in Renoir’s Montmartre paintings are bound to be good for a laugh, and you could brighten up the place with a couple of Van Gogh’s sunflowers.
Far more entertaining than the usual C-list offerings, I’m sure.
And there’d be no need for the usual arguments over who ate all the biscuits, because you’d be pretty sure the culprit would be the Mona Lisa.
IF YOU’VE enjoyed reading this you can find more of Laura Davis’ columns at www.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/lauradavis
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