THE troubling issue of undercover police officers copping off (see what I did there?) with eco-warriors was back in the news this week, as the Metropolitan Police applied to the High Court to have a hearing into several such claims held in secret.
Following the infamous activities of the undercover crusty Mark Kennedy, 12 activists are seeking damages from the Met.
They claim to have been tricked into sexual relationships by sneaky plods who infiltrated their group, probably by not washing and growing dreadlocks (not so much Mata Haris as Matted Hairies).
You can see why this is such a sensitive issue. The publicity could cause all female activists to question their own relationships.
“Does he love me for who I am,” they may sigh into their mung bean soup, “or secretly for my knowledge of where we keep the abseiling gear and Julian Assange masks?”
Fret not, ladies! In the time-honoured tradition of your glossy magazines, I have devised a simple quiz to help you discover the real truth.
When your lover asked you on your first date, did he suggest:
A. Dinner and a movie.
B. Rendezvous at 2000 hours before heading on foot to licensed premises for the consumption of foodstuffs and alcoholic beverages.
C. Sitting around playing cards.
Approach your lover and say “Whiskey Tango”. What is his reaction?
B. Immediate comprehension that you are using the phonetic alphabet.
C. “Yes, please, seeing as it’s nearly lunchtime. Easy on the Tango, though.”
Now give him a lingering hug and whisper into his ear: “Is that a truncheon in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”. Does he:
B. Change the subject, then rush upstairs to change.
C. Call for back-up.
It is a rainy half-term and the kids are “running riot”. Does your partner:
A. Give them a stern telling off.
B. Kettle them on the patio for 12 hours.
C. Hide upstairs, saying he does not fancy the rough stuff.
Oh dear, now one of them has fallen down the stairs. When you tell your partner, does he:
A. Rush to comfort the injured mite.
B. Wink conspiratorially and remark that, yes, the stairs can be “rather slippery”.
C. Say he’d love to help but he is on his break.
How did you score?
Mostly As: Congratulations! Your partner is probably not an undercover police officer.
Mostly Bs: Congratulations! Your partner is almost certainly an undercover police officer, which means you’ll get half his gold-plated pension as soon as he turns 38.
Mostly Cs: Well, the good news is, he is not a cop. The bad news is, he may be a PCSO.