A work of art?

Jul 31 2007 by Mr Brocklebank, Liverpool Daily Post

WHY, oh why, has Liverpool City Council thought it appropriate to erect a naff mural on its five derelict Dale Street/Cheapside Georgian shops opposite the Municipal Buildings?

Such art works are only the preserve of youth workers trying to persuade alienated youngsters their depressed area is really fun and funky.

As Mr Brocklebank tirelessly repeats, why is this terrace not restored as a period example for rental, with proper Georgian shop fronts – like Newcastle’s Quay Street shops 35 years ago?

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A READER writes: “My bus into work paused alongside the Dale Street mural and I noticed that scrawled on it were the words ‘blue-nosed’ followed by a four letter expletive.

Surely this graffiti wasn’t part of the artist’s original intention?” Mr Brocklebank fears that, as with most modern art, there are no certainties.

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BEFORE Liverpool imposed its masses on Kirkby, the quiet Lancashire village only needed one solitary bobby.

Police panda cars were launched in Kirkby because of rising crime imported with relocated residents.

Their light blue stripes were allegedly due to the then chief constable’s allegiance to his alma mater, Cambridge University. Imagine if he graduated from Oxford and the stripes were dark blue?

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THE Dutch reinforced their fearful reputation for frankness during the visit of Holland America Line’s cruise ship Maasdam.

Deeply irked by being forced to anchor mid-Mersey in rough conditions instead of inaugurating the badly-delayed new cruise liner landing stage (now languishing back in Canada Dock), Maasdam’s captain Tannoyed announcements about Mersey Ferries’ tendering, blaming problems on “the wish of the local authorities”.

One officer asked a hapless disembarking visitor if she was from Liverpool, demanding: “Why do you treat us so badly?”

Another officer warned a startled visiting group: “We won’t come back here again.”

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TECHNO-UPDATE: A new scheme is on trial after last week’s stop- page of Moorfields’ revolutionary Turning the Place Over moving sculpture – a spinning wall section of the old Yates Wine Lodge. Each time devoted traffic attendants (“Storey’s Uniformed Irregulars”) activate their electronic booking devices to issue a parking ticket, radio waves transmit collateral energy to power the sculpture.

Not only is the city’s carbon footprint reduced, but the more parking tickets issued, the faster the sculpture spins – giving citizens visible evidence the intrepid Irregulars are performing at maximum output.

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MEMO to Doddy: Should not Ken Dodd immediately despatch Diddymen to reopen Knotty Ash’s jam butty mines (inadvertently closed during Michael Heseltine’s assault on the NUM) to uncover a canapé seam, badly needed for next year’s civic celebrations? It not only could make his fortune, but secure him that knighthood he so richly deserves.