Fashion Victim: My new take on the world of hosiery

Dec 13 2007 by Emma Johnson, Liverpool Daily Post

I THINK I am becoming unhealthily obsessed with tights. The first thing I think when I wake up is do I have any that are actually intact before I move on to assess whether the denier of the box-fresh pair is high enough to protect my modesty when paired with whichever impossibly short Primark mini-dress I would like to wear that day.

This may not sound that unusual to you, particularly at this time of year with the thermometer regularly plunging below zero, but for me, having my wardrobe dictated by the availability of tights is a new phenomenon.

That is because I have generally subscribed to the bare-legged school of fashion, if not in the office then definitely for social occasions. But, over the last 12 months, the fashion tide has turned and suddenly showing bare skin – be it pale or perma-tanned – is akin to sporting white stilettos and a scrunchie.

Ever since the Mary Quant style mini-dress made its all-conquering comeback late last year, sales of opaque tights have been soaring and black opaques have become more ubiquitous than Hollyoaks cast members at restaurant launches.

Can you remember the last time you saw a celebrity showing a leg that was not clad in 80 denier black nylon? Or, for that matter red, yellow or grey nylon? Kylie Minogue was even snapped in a pair of shocking pink tights – although I think generally that trend is best left to publicity-seeking pop princesses.

There is no getting away from the fact that the addition of a pair of black opaques take an outfit from average to amazing these days. Some thick hosiery transforms your typical woman over 25 in a smock dress from Grayson Perry lookalike to clued-up fashionista in an instant.

So far so good, we have established opaque tights are the must-have accessory. And given their ability to disguise all manner of sins, from cellulite to cankles (calves that run into ankles with no definition) no woman is going to complain about that. They even allow you to go a few extra days in between leg waxes and they keep you warm – though watch out for those temperature controlled ones, unless you enjoy hot flushes.

The only fly in this fashion ointment is that opaque tights are not and never will be sexy – well, perhaps to men of a certain age when paired with a nurse’s uniform (having subsidised my student loan by working as an auxiliary in a hospital, I can more than vouch for that one).

While stockings and hold-ups are up there with sat-nav, television remote controls, football and graphic equalisers when it comes to holding power over men’s minds, I don’t know a single man who is moved by the sight of a woman’s belly all squashed like a big pink sausage by yards of nylon and that attractive red welt around the waist that follows.

Stockings and suspenders whisper the promise of something a bit saucy, but thick black tights scream practicality and when, oh when, was practical ever sexy?